A couple of friends finally got the real reason out of me the other night and I realized I owe the followers of this blog that explanation so maybe it won’t happen to them.
I guess you could say I was in with the “cool” dancers. At least, that’s how others saw it. I didn’t really see it that way, but I digress. Anyway, I suppose I’d gotten in with the cool crowd, but with that came a lot of pressure that I put on myself. I had to be at their level, I told myself. To get there, I danced often and encouraged constructive criticism, but the criticism got to be too much. I started putting too much emphasis on being good. Every time I felt like I made an improvement there was always something else I was doing wrong and I couldn’t get over that. I went into the bathroom and cried a few times after some particularly disheartening critiques (meant in my best interest, I know, but hard to hear just the same).
I was constantly reminded of my status as a beginner and I felt like I’d never even reach that intermediate stage. It was like I was stuck at that level, forever being reminded of my lower skill level. That’s how it felt like to me, anyway, though I’m sure no one meant to make me feel like this. I danced in a very competitive scene where there were lots of pros and a lot of pressure to be good. I would tell myself I wasn’t good enough for the good people to enjoy dancing with me. I always felt bad when I messed up because I was sure they weren’t having any fun. I stopped smiling when dancing and I would concentrate really hard on technique. If it wasn’t technically good, it wasn’t a good dance.
There was no longer any joy or fun for me in dancing. I was always asking (which I normally didn’t mind, but I’d convinced myself no one asked me because I wasn’t good enough) and always criticizing myself throughout. Dancing was making me feel depressed and unhappy. I got no joy and relaxation out of it and it was starting to become more stressful than say school. It put me into such a miserable state that I decided to stop dancing.
Everyone says I need to stop saying I’m not dancing anymore and start saying I’m taking a break but, for now, I need to call it something more than a break. I need to say I’m not dancing and I want to call it that until all the stress related with dancing is gone. Give it a while and maybe I’ll call it a break.
What I want everyone to take away from this is that lindy hop is supposed to be fun. Don’t spend time worrying about whether the “cool” dancers like you or not (they’re really just people like everyone else) or how good or bad you are. If you’re still dancing, keep it up! Don’t let yourself get bogged down with worry over technique and skill and all that. Just relax, enjoy, and have fun! The rest will come with time.
I’m really sorry this happened to you. It sounded like you were putting a lot of pressure on yourself from your blog posts. I hope you will be able to find joy in dancing again soon, and do whatever you need to do to feel better.
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